Dr Martha’s guidelines are practical and reassuring, finds Sophie Morris
I try to focus on the final piece of advice Dr Martha Deiros Collado gives in her online parenting course, The School Years. “List three things that you are good at,” recommends the clinical psychologist. “Three things that you think your child is learning from you.”
The idea stops me in my tracks. It’s so easy to think about what’s gone wrong in any given day in parenting, and dwell on the negative. But I’m a mother to a kind, funny, smart, endlessly curious, somewhat cunning, diligent, artistic and very silly child, with a rare appreciation for mature cheese. Dr Martha has a point.
Some of these good things, surely, are thanks to me. I note down that I think it’s positive that my eightyear-old, Percy, talks to me about what’s going on with her friends, that it’s lovely how she always wants to spend time with me, that we laugh a lot together.
Dr Martha takes the idea further, saying that if you cannot think of your three things, ask a friend, your partner, or even your child for input. She suggests: “Say to your child, ‘Hey, I was wondering what do you think I do really well? What do you like about when we spend time together?’”
This part seems risky, to say the least, as well as a very mature question. But I’m interested to find out if we come back with similar answers and take Dr Martha’s advice - 260,000 Instagram followers trust her, after all.
At first, Percy laughs off the question. When I explain that I am serious, and would appreciate her coming up with some suggestions, she very quickly says: “Playing, watching Style It Out (a CBBC show), and chatting. I love chatting with you, Mummy.”
And just like that, despite a trying afternoon involving conflict over her tablet and disagreements over holiday clubs, I am a molten pool of a mother, in love with my delightful progeny all over again.
Playing! It’s well known that I hate playing games, and I assumed Percy sees right through my reticence to shake the dice, but the possibility she actually enjoys the experience makes me want to order in a new Monopoly set.
For those who want to go deeper, Dr Martha’s first book, How to Be the Grown-Up: Why Good Parenting Starts With You, digs into her child-centred, developmentally appropriate approach. She sits on the “gentle” side of the parenting advice see-saw, but with firm boundaries.
If you still want more guidance, dip into one of Dr Martha’s video courses. Under the umbrella name of “The Confident Parent”, you will find “The Preschool Years” for parents with children aged 18 months to five years, which at 85 videos and £150 is heftier than “The School Years” course I take, which has 25 short videos in six sections, aimed at parents of five- to 10-yearolds, and costs £49.99.
One of the many reasons why Dr Martha has been so successful on social media is that she moves with the zeitgeist, sharing potential solutions to evolving issues. She is expanding her courses with offerings on talking to your children about sex and the thorny smartphone dilemma.
It is interesting that my daughter brings up playing games, as sometimes I feel sorry she has no siblings to play with, but I never thought of them as vital social development tools.
Dr Martha (inset) says that they are an easy way to prepare your child for building new friendships.
Simple games such as Snap and Uno slow down children’s impulses and help them learn to take turns.
She says that turn-taking is such a vital part of navigating friendships, it is worth integrating into your daily schedule.
Dr Martha’s children have magnetic charts so they know when they have done what they need to each morning. I have a child who looks like she has never seen a toothbrush before when I suggest that she uses one each morning.
I decide we are past the chart stage. Instead, I agree, as I have many times before, to only ask her to do one thing at a time. A few mornings later, I’m the one who has an emotional outburst and starts crying when she refuses point blank to get dressed, lying log-like on her bed instead, impossible to shift.
Ah yes, I thought grimly, this was my opportunity to “be the grown-up” and I have categorically failed. But I know why I’ve failed. My daughter hadn’t gone to sleep until after 10pm the night before.
This is unusual for her, and I spent my evening trying to help her drop off. I was calm, patient and understanding. However, that ate through my evening, leaving me with a late night myself once I’d finally watched her fall asleep and finished up my household jobs.
The next morning, I was already tired and annoyed before she turned into a sack of potatoes. Dr Martha, thankfully, is strictly anti-martyrdom. She is big on boundaries and believes in self-care.
“Set boundaries. Say no,” she writes. “Say, ‘I don’t have time for that, as I want a rest later.’ They learn from seeing that. If you don’t prioritise rest, they won’t know how to do it, either.”
As someone who was brought up to understand that sleep is for dead people, this hits hard for me. I might not have mirrored, well-regulated emotions, but I would love to give my daughter the gift, not just of sleep and the pleasure of an early night when your body desires it, but of genuine self-care - the ability to prioritise yourself when necessary.
The course is full of practical advice, but my main takeaway is the reassurance offered. She says that the reason why she asks parents to write down three things that are going well is because things must be going well if we are already parents who have taken the time to sign up to a course and think about how we can do things better or differently.
“I want you to know you’re an amazing parent,” she says. Thanks, I’ll take that.
‘How to Be the Grown-Up: Why Good Parenting Starts With You’ by Dr Martha Deiros Collado is out now. Her smartphone course is released this summer, with ‘Sex Talk’ to follow