Five years on from the pandemic, some people have simplified their social lives, including letting go of old friendships
Image by Michaela š from Pixabay
Iāve been trying to meet up with my friend for a year. We speak regularly online, and she keeps asking when we can meet in person. However when I suggest dates, sheās never available.
I know what youāre thinking. Sheās just not that into me. But weāve been friends for 25 years and Iām sure sheās not trying to end our relationship. At the same time, Iāve decided that if sheās not going to make any effort, nor am I.
I canāt stand a needy puppy attitude, and feeling dejected by her lack of interest has the knock-on effect of making me feel pathetic as well as unloved. No thanks.
Everyone I know is afflicted with busy-itis. Some of us believe we suffer more than others. I turn friends down when Iām busy, and try to explain that Iāll feel overwhelmed if I jam anything else into my diary, but I canāt know how that lands with them. What I have realised is that being repeatedly reminded Iām bottom of anyoneās priorities doesnāt make me feel good. So Iāve decided not to bother.
Iām not ditching the friendship, or testing it. Iāve simply accepted that our friendship can coast until she decides to drift back to it. And if she never does, Iām fine with that too.
When I was thinking about this friendship, I realised that Iāve stopped calling a number of friends (Not all of them!). I no longer get in touch with those who donāt call to make plans. Far better to let people miss you and save your time and energy for reciprocal relationships or me-time, which in my experience always pays out.
The feeling when friends who do make an effort get in touch to make plans is wonderful, and it really highlights the opposite sensation of feeling let down.
A lot of people seem to be reflecting on the pandemic five years on, and the lifestyle changes they have made. Simplifying my social life in this way has given me the gift of time. First of all, my diary isnāt block-booked with people who are liable to cancel. But, more importantly, I have far more headspace to do the things I genuinely want to.
Unwittingly, this approach echoes a theory called ālet themā from the American podcast host and motivational speaker Mel Robbins. When Robbins recorded a podcast on the ālet themā concept, which advocates giving up trying to control others, instead leaving them to do their thing so you can focus on what works for you, it went viral and became the sixth most shared episode on Apple Podcasts, followed by a book in late 2024. Though not new, Robbinsā ideas for focusing on yourself instead of trying to change others attracted lots of attention.
But her reassurance comes with a warning. āPutting the ball in someone elseās court to see what happens could be game playing ā wanting to catch a person out and say, āYeah. I was right about you.āā Another way to frame it, she suggests, might be to give up taking the lead, allowing the other person some time to think and take the initiative.
This is pretty much where I am. But if that initiative never emerges, I imagine Iāll walk away. I want friends who make the time to see me rather than tell me about all the things that are more important than our friendship (because theyāre making time for them and not me).
This chimes with the second part of Mel Robbinsā theory. After you ālet themā do them, itās time for you to activate your ālet meā mindset, which means working out what is within your control. Maybe thatās making more of an effort to call this friend yourself ā and tell them how you feel.
Still, I donāt wish to ātestā my friendship. That feels extremely childish not to mention doomed to fail. Does the ālet themā approach risk being a test? Iām not blacklisting these kinds of friends. We all have different types of friendships for different sides of our personality, for our varying hobbies, eras, family requirements and emotional needs. I cherish the friendship weāve had. But not to the extent I can keep on doing all the heavy lifting.
āI think there is a fundamental difference about intent,ā says Dr Amber Johnston, neuropsychologist and the director of Healthy Mind Psychology. āIf the intent is a game of manipulation, you are still stuck in opposition to the Mel Robbinsā ālet themā situation.
āIf the intent is to engage in a way that shows them or tests them or tries to pull a response, it will probably be detrimental, and you may fail.ā
Johnston calls this area āother peopleās mindsā and advises against playing any kind of manipulative games. āWe can spend so long trying to control other people,ā she says. āYou can go into a situation and allow someone the space they need, and find out whether theyāre going to engage because youāre of value to them, or not, without playing a game. If youāve set up a dynamic where you always go to them, they may well come to you and ask if youāre mad at them.ā
Iāve accepted that thereās little point going the extra mile with friends if theyāre the type who always want to meet you where they live. Or, worse, in your work time. Non-working mums love to ask self-employed parents to take time off to meet them. Can you imagine asking a working father to take the afternoon off to play tennis?
As a result of this decision, I have heaps of time and am much happier. I figure if they want to see me, let them find me, and Iāve been pleasantly surprised by the wonderful friends who have. What Iāve learned is the joy of choosing who to spend time with. There were some friends who I doubted Iād ever see again whoāve knocked on my door and now weāre in regular touch.
I am not a fan of the trend for treating friendships like fast fashion, but I do see the value in valuing your own time and how you spend it. āI think as we get older we change, we evolve and we may want to spend time with other friends. Thereās nothing wrong with that,ā says Burke. āItās healthy to have friends of different ages, and to break out of the school/uni/first job friendship groups that can be a bit of an echo chamber.ā
She also says we shouldnāt see friends as a ādutyā. This really hits home. I donāt want to be seen by anyone as a duty and would rather end any relationship like that.
Sometimes, to keep a friendship going, you have to do things you might not want to or which might not be your first choice. And in our hyper individualised society this can cause people to switch and ditch relationships with alarming frequency. I guess Iāll have to let those people continue with their fickle ways, just not on my time.