You probably haven’t heard of diaphobia, but you’re guilty of it, says Sophie Morris after psychotherapist Philippa Perry used the term
Image by Mohamed Hassan from Pixabay
Don’t worry if you’ve never heard of the term “diaphobia”. You won’t find it in the dictionary, and even though it’s a clinical term, coined by the Scottish psychiatrist R.D Laing, most of the psychotherapists I asked about it hadn’t heard of it, either.
But even those who weren’t familiar with the word were well versed in what diaphobia means, because we’ve all experienced it. So widespread is diaphobia, you’ll find it in every nook and cranny of our personal lives and society at large, from arguments with a loved one to debates on BBC Newsnight or in the House of Commons.
And the most obvious place for diaphobia to run rampant these days? Social media. Where anything from an inflamed row to small differences of opinion are shut down with the touch of a button.
Fear of true dialogue
So what is diaphobia? It’s a term the psychotherapist Philippa Perry is keen to make much better known. According to Laing, it’s a “fear of true dialogue”. “In other words,” writes Perry, “the fear of being impacted upon or influenced by another person.” Perry has written about it for this newspaper before, and takes it on again in her new book, The Book You Want Everyone You Love to Read (And Some You Don’t), which came out on 12 October (Cornerstone, £18.99).
Both she and her artist husband Grayson Perry have worked to spread knowledge about diaphobia, with Grayson naming it his word of the year in 2018 and creating a pot titled A Plague of Diaphobia in 2022. He even admits he was afraid of being influenced by psychotherapy himself before Philippa found him a good therapist.
Whether you’ve heard of it or not, diaphobia isn’t a new thing. And most of us are guilty of it. Can you honestly say you have never started a conversation, attended a meeting, or found yourself in an argument where you are confident that your own position is the right one, and the only possible perspective, and you are not open to discussion or persuasion?
“Diaphobia means listening to react rather than [listening] to respond,” explains psychotherapist Zoë Aston, author of Your Mental Health Workout. “If you’ve ever had an argument or even just a conversation with someone, and you’re left feeling unheard and unsatisfied, one or both of you might be defending yourself from external influences. In my opinion, it’s not a very well-known term because so many of us do it.”
Hiding behind technology
Psychotherapist and couples counsellor Hilda Burke, author of The Phone Addiction Workbook, agrees. She points out that there’s nothing new to people wanting to stick to their beliefs and have the last word. But what has changed are the spaces and ways in which we can do this.
It’s harder to walk out on an argument in your own home or face to face, but social media and mobile technology mean we can pick and choose when and how to engage with any views, ideas and information we might disagree with or find hard to hear.
“I think diaphobia is innate in most of us unless we’re really evolved,” she says. “But various things are fuelling it, for example the way we communicate. Voice notes are one-way communications in which I can say my point uninterrupted and unchallenged.”
Another modern trend that aligns with diaphobia is blocking, says Burke. She sees clients who might be very upset by someone else’s behaviour who decide not to discuss the issue or try to find out what’s going on for the other person. “Even if you’re the person who ends the relationship, and it’s a kind of self protection, both parties feel there’s something unresolved.”
It’s also immature not to open yourself up to things you might not want to know. “Maturity is being able to cope with uncomfortable feelings, and hearing things that are challenging about ourselves,” Burke explains. “It’s not easy to hear we’ve hurt someone. But it’s a narcissistic position to have your ego completely protected and not threatened by anyone else’s experience of us that might be negative.”
Burke often sees social media posts that say: “Anyone who thinks X about Covid/lockdown/Trump/Israel etc, unfollow me now”. “They’re asking to be left in their echo chamber, and don’t want anyone in their circle or feed that has a different take,” she says.
In other words, diaphobics exist most happily within their bubble. On one level, this might be an effective form of self-care. You’re not alone if you find traumatic events on rolling news too much and need a break. But the reality is that we cannot retreat to our bubbles for ever; we have to interact. Refusing to listen to others prevents us from doing that.
“Despite connection and communication being fundamental to our survival, many of us have trouble accessing the vulnerable space it takes to be present and mindful when conversing with others,” explains Aston. “Rejecting external influences has become socially accepted and slips under the radar.”
Cancel culture
On a macro level, is diaphobia the same as cancel culture or no platforming, the contemporary phenomenon where certain views are considered so abhorrent by specific groups, organisations and even governments that they are refused airtime altogether? This might range from a rape joke to extreme political views to hate speech. I’ve got a strong feeling that if the Perrys were using these terms instead of “diaphobia”, they’d be swallowed into the critical mass of “for” or “against” various online tribes, and we wouldn’t hear what they were saying, only read the headline (as one could argue happened with Perry’s comments on ADHD and social contagion last week).
“Cancel culture, I fear, may certainly play a part in reinforcing diaphobia in society,” says Aston. “For masses of people to simply shut down a person, view, concept, event etc. without taking the time to understand the full picture isn’t a particularly humanistic way of living. I think the term ‘Call-Out culture’ would be more helpful.
“Calling something out, rather than simply cancelling it, would mean we all have to feel the uncomfortable emotions that arise when we are being influenced or challenged, it would also mean we would all have to learn to listen rather than react.”
How to overcome your diaphobia
If we don’t listen, Burke says, we don’t learn or grow. “The ego likes to know, but it’s humbling to open up. If we can park our egos in some way, we can go into a dialogue thinking about what we can learn rather than making pronouncements.” She also recommends being honest, but learning to neutralise our questions.
“The best tip I can give is to practise repeating back exactly what you’re hearing, and checking with the other person if you repeated it correctly,” says Aston. “So often we hear what we want to hear. This is a listening skill that could diffuse situations.”
If Perry’s new book, billed as “wisdom and advice for having better relationships with others and yourself”, sells millions like her previous book on parenting, The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, maybe we can look forward to more open and honest conversation, and less diaphobia?
“Wanting to be right and thinking that we’re the goodie can often lead to getting stuck in a conflict loop rather than being open to a resolution,” writes Perry. “When we’re stuck in a conflict loop, our first job is to put aside this dynamic of one person being good and the other bad.”