Is there such thing as the perfect guest? Yes, if you follow all of Sophie Morris’s rules
I am lucky enough to live in a quaint Victorian seaside resort and love showing it off to visitors. Seeing friends for a whole weekend is such a treat, and a far better way to relax and reconnect with them than a few rushed hours on a week night before my commuter train.
And yet, after seven years by the sea, my enthusiasm for washing sheets on a Monday in preparation for the next set of guests has waned. Especially as we might wave goodbye to one lot on a Tuesday with others booked in for Thursday.
I see it happen to everyone. The first year, you entertain year-round. The second, you’re a little more picky and remind your friends that you have a job, perhaps, or don’t book guests in back to back. From then on, you block out family time, schedule a proper holiday for yourself, and start using the word “no”. (Or, being English, “I’m so terribly sorry, we can’t quite make those dates work.”)
I haven’t tired of having people to stay. My appetite for showing them the chalk cliffs and sandy bays or pointing out the intricate pink marble floor in our retro ice-cream parlour persists. But I have worked out how to make things easier on myself, and noted how guests might ease their hosts’ work – and thus oil the wheels for a return visit.
1. Never arrive early
Clear roads? I’m thrilled for you. If you’re early, go and amuse yourselves. Or, call to see if your host is free. Do this before you have parked outside their home. If it’s me, I’m most likely finishing off some work while making your bed at the same time as prepping your dinner. Better amuse yourself locally and turn up at the arranged time. Once I had a guest turn up two hours earlier than the planned 11am kick-off, while I was breastfeeding a newborn.
My husband notes that some hosts really don’t mind early guests. These are the kind of hosts I recommend to everyone as they have large houses, spare bathrooms, and are typically women who don’t work.
2. Don’t turn up empty-handed
Expensive gifts aren’t necessary, but thoughtful tokens are always appreciated, be they posh jam (no one’s expecting American Riviera Orchard) or bread or a bunch of tulips. You were busy this week before your holiday? Your host was busy planning your meals. Everyone has time to pick up a box of Lindor from the petrol station.
3. Your hosts might not be on holiday
I do everything possible to schedule time off when my friends visit. Sadly that cannot ever extend to every bank holiday and school holiday from March to October. Retired people are probably the worst culprits in this case, but guests staying on weekdays appear to forget it’s most likely a normal week for you, with the added work of having extra mouths to feed.
Don’t ask for “being-a-tourist” advice when they’re trying to leave for work, or utter the immortal words, “Don’t mind me. I won’t get in your way,” while leaning against the door frame to their study to chat for the length of an entire cup of tea.
4. Do you drink?
I like a glass of wine or four at the weekend so take a bottle that is for my hosts, whether they wish to open it or not, and more for drinking. I’m happy to cater for all my guests’ food and drink… to a point. Consider how long you’re staying and whether they drink, too.
5. This isn’t a hotel
As I’ve said, I enjoy cooking for and hosting guests, but I don’t want to make every last cup of tea. I’m rarely first out of bed after clearing up the night before, especially if others have younger children, and show guests a range of DIY breakfast options. If a host has shown you how to use the coffee machine, don’t be shy.
6. Is your offer of help actually helpful?
Hosts love help, from making a salad and setting the table to opening bottles and entertaining children. But offer before you act. I have friends whose help I enjoy in the kitchen and others I ask to build a fire but, to be honest, if you weren’t asked to cook all four packets of bacon at 8am, maybe just don’t.
7. Do bring treats, don’t bring a banquet
I try to cater for allcomers, but most guests with really specific dietary requirements let me know and might bring things along, especially if there are children with severe allergies etc. It’s so helpful if guests offer to bring pudding or snacks or similar. Equally, I’ve had guests turn up with almost full meals when I’ve spent time cooking for them, which feels the opposite of generous.
8. Don’t strip the bed
See above. Ask before leaving the host with a puddle of dirty linen they can’t wash until Wednesday. Tasks like stripped beds are really helpful if I’m going to do the laundry right away, but ask first.
9. Don’t expect a concierge service
Well… not quite. I’m aware some guests would rather I pipe down with my overflowing chalice of advice on where to find the best fish and chips and which beach to head for at high tide. I am certainly frustrated when they don’t heed my warnings that small seaside businesses do not heed the opening times of their metropolitan counterparts. But once you’ve waded through my unsolicited advice, make sure you have your own ideas about how you’d like to spend your days.
10. Don’t be tight
Each according to their means – there’s no need to bring champagne or foot the bill for a big meal out – but put your hand in your pocket for beers or ice creams during your stay. We love having guests and doing house swaps because holidays are so expensive, but I don’t want to fund your every last mouthful.
11. Bathroom etiquette
In my head, despite the many pleas I have laid out above, there is only one rule in my house. This is to respect the fact I may be working the next morning and ask that the bathroom be kept free between, say, seven and half past. I am perennially surprised by how rarely this is observed.
I’ve paused to reflect on my own behaviour as a guest and a host, and am aware I fall short in many areas. As a host, in the past I’ve said yes to visitors when I should have admitted it wasn’t a good time and said no. No doubt they sensed I wasn’t fully committed and I regret that. I am also guilty of turning up later than planned as I’m too optimistic about traffic.
And, being the skivvy for so many others, I never, ever, offer to do someone else’s washing up. Sorry in advance!